


Got a Couple Bottles (but a Couple Ain't Enough)

by ifwallscouldspeak



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV), New Girl
Genre: Alternative Universe - Crossover, Amy's Drinking Scale, Crack, Established Relationship, F/F, Femslash February, Intoxication, True American
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-18 04:38:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13674420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifwallscouldspeak/pseuds/ifwallscouldspeak
Summary: Cece hesitates, turning back to the scene before her. Winston dances, performing Baby’s choreography from the last scene in Dirty Dancing. Amy watches with fascinated horror as he launches himself at the dress mannequin in the corner of Jess’s room. So yeah, if Cece wasn’t sure before, she definitely is now. The only thing that will stop this train wreck once and for all in liquor. Lots and lots of liquor.(Inspired by the prompt, “wow.”)





	Got a Couple Bottles (but a Couple Ain't Enough)

**Author's Note:**

> This isn’t even that much of a crackship because we know that B99 and New Girl exist in the same universe. So, you’re welcome. 
> 
> Title from “Bottoms Up” by Trey Songz. 
> 
> Written for my personal [Femslash February](http://lo-cotidiano.tumblr.com/tagged/jennifer+does+femslash+february) challenge :)

+++

 

_11:23 P.M._

“I’m blaming exactly one person for all of this,” Cece growls as she places the bag of mostly frozen peas back onto the knot throbbing on the top of her head.

“Babe, I know I got too competitive -” Amy sighs.

Cece glances up to see her fidgeting nervously, hand hovering near Cece’s head like she’s not sure where to put them. Jess stands right beside her, giving Cece those big doe eyes that have always pushed Cece to forgive her in like, two seconds.

“Not you, Amy,” Cece says gently, smiling at her girlfriend.

“Oh,” Amy sighs in relief.

Cece turns her head slightly, glaring across the destroyed room. “Him.”

The loft is in absolute havoc. Empty beer cans and bottles of cheap vodka and tequila litter the floor. All of the furniture is in complete disarray, from the turned over television stand to the coffee table littered in limes. Cece sits on the couch - which has somehow ended up between the fridge and the island - her head throbbing in pain. The object of her annoyance, Winston, stands at the opposite end of the room with Nick and Schmidt. He winces at her softly, giving her an entirely too awkward grin, even for him.

Cece hisses, "I’m going to murder you in your sleep and adopt your cat and rename him Gomez."

She knows the absolutely appalled look she gets back has nothing to do with threatening to kill him.

 

+++

 

_7:54 P.M._

Cece watches in amazement and a little bit of judgment as Amy and Jess bond over the vintage sewing machine in Jess’s room. She stands in the doorway as they giggle and Amy point points out a mechanism on the machine, before launching into a story. It's all about how her Abuela used to tell her that if they turned it the right way, it would spin the threads into gold.

“Just like good old Rumplestiltskin,” Amy says fondly.

“You know what, I have a story just like that!” Jess says. “Okay so back when I was fourteen, and Cece and I were in high school -”

Cece chooses this moment to mostly tune out, just smiling softly at the scene in front of her. She feels just a little bit foolish, looking at the pair. She can’t believe that she was worried for one second about Jess and Amy finally meeting. Because now that they’re together, bonding over some hunk of junk like it’s the second coming of Christ, she realizes she should’ve had a much different fear: that they’d like each other more than either of them like her.

“Traitor,” a voice hisses at her back.

Cece rolls her eye, turning around with an unimpressed look on her face. Winston stands there accusingly, cradling Ferguson in his arms. Just slightly behind him, Nick is rubbing the back of his neck and wincing apologetically. Cece sighs, already bracing herself for the conversation that they’ve been having at least twice a day since she and Amy started dating.

“I can’t believe you, you know that Cece?” Winston starts in his diatribe. “I should’ve known you were trouble, the day you waltzed into the precinct pretending like you wanted to buy me lunch -”

“We already had lunch plans Winston,” Cece interrupts, sighing.

“ - Only to swoop in and seduce my new commanding officer!” He shoots his arm out, pointing at Amy. “I hadn’t even fixed my first impression on her yet before you went and asked her out!”

“Man, I gotta tell you, there’s no fixing a first impression,” Nick says. “Especially when that first impression is spilling coffee all over yourself and then belting out 'Hot in Herre’ by Nelly when she asks if you’re okay.”

“And to make matters worse, now you two are just everywhere, just being all happy in my face,” Winston says. “At the bar, at our lunchtime hangout spot, and now in my home! My home, Cece!"

" _Nellyville_ was a a great album though, I'll give you that," Nick mutters.

"My home!" Winston repeats himself. 

Cece says patiently, “Winston -”

“I don’t want my boss to see where I poop!”

“Don’t you poop at work?” Cece asks, raising her eyebrows.

“That’s not the point!”

“It is a little weird, man,” Nick says. "You know. You and Winston's boss -"

Cece purses her lips. “Of course you would say that.”

“I -”

“It’s only weird because you’re making it weird, Winston,” Cece says. “You need to chill out. Amy’s here just to hang out and meet Jess finally, okay? It’s fine.”

“Oh yeah?” Winston hisses. “Then watch this.”

Before Cece can stop him, he’s brushing past her and into Jess’s room. Both Jess and Amy look up, the joy on their faces freezing in place as they see Winston. Cece watches as Amy immediately straightens her spine and nods at Winston cordially. Winston does a complicated move where he sweeps his arms down low, and it takes Cece a moment to realize he’s trying to curtsy to her.

“Good God,” Cece groans.

“How’s it going, Winston, my man,” Amy asks, chuckling nervously. “Not - you know, not my man. Because I’m with Cece and you’re my subordinate and - oh. Uhm.”

“May I offer you a refreshment?” Winston asks. “Such as a La Croix or some cocaine?”

“Uh, I’ll take a La Croix,” Amy says, glancing at Cece in panic.

“Great choice, great choice,” Winston says. “You know, on not choosing cocaine.”

“Well, you know what they say, ‘crack is wack,’ yo,” Amy says, and then turns red. “Uhm.”

“Right. Uh. So about that La Croix, we don’t have that, so.” Winston shifts.

“Oh.”

“I expect this won’t reflect poorly on me on my midterm evaluation.”

“Wow,” Cece huffs. “Wow, okay.”

“Oh no, it’s chill, we’re all chill here, you know,” Amy nods. “Like, who even drinks that, I’m I right?”

“I can get you some tap water.”

“Oh, great!” Amy says too quickly. “Tap water, you know, the city’s natural resources, that’s where it’s at.”

There’s a painfully awkward stretch of silence. Cece sighs, raises her eyes up towards the ceiling. Jess lets out a strange keen of laughter, making it even weirder than before.

Cece wishes she had something to say to this, but in all honesty, this is probably one of the better interactions between Amy and Winston outside of the precinct that she’s seen so far. For some reason, they’re both just incredibly awkward around one another outside of work, making things difficult on Cece, who just wants her friends and her girlfriend to hang out. Winston was no use talking to about it, and Amy had only said _I don’t know what’s happening, babe! I used to hang out with my work family and my captain outside of the 99 all the time!_

She didn’t want it to come to this, but Cece knows that there’s only one thing that will end this embarrassing charade once and for all - short of breaking up with Amy or lobotomizing Winston, of course. She glances over her shoulder at Nick, who’s been watching the whole interaction with a disgusted wince on his face. He must catch sight of the hard, determined look on Cece’s face, because the blood seems to drain from his face. She had prepped with him earlier, in case this exact situation arose. He was, after all, the one who helped her to move all of the cases of PBR from the bar to the loft.

“Are you sure, C?” he asks, voice low.

Cece hesitates, turning back to the scene before her. Winston dances, performing Baby’s choreography from the last scene in _Dirty Dancing_. Amy watches with fascinated horror as he launches himself at the dress mannequin in the corner of Jess’s room. So yeah, if Cece wasn’t sure before, she definitely is now. The only thing that will stop this train wreck once and for all in liquor. Lots and lots of liquor.

Cece nods. “The only way to get over these embarrassing, horrible moments is to make the whole evening one big embarrassing, horrible moment.”

Nick squares his shoulders. “Then it’s time.”

Cece claps her hands. “Okay, gang, I think it’s time for a change of pace.”

“Yes please,” Jess says, standing straight up.

“It’s time,” Cece says ominously. “For True American.”

 

+++

 

_8:19 P.M. _

“Wait, I don’t get it,” Amy shouts, standing on an empty pizza box. “Does everyone drink when you say FDR or JFK?”

“FDR!” everyone shouts back at her, downing their drinks.

Cece tips her head back, swallowing the beer as fast as she can. When she notices Amy still standing there, not doing anything, she motions with her free hand for her to drink up. Amy frowns. Winston waves his hands at her from his spot on the ottoman.

“You gotta drink, Amy,” he says.

“Because I said FDR,” Amy nods slowly.

Winston shakes his head. “No, because you said JFK.”

“FDR!” Nick and Jess shout back.

They both try to grab at another beer and Cece giggles, still trying to finish what’s left in her can. Amy catches her eyes and laughs then, looking completely lost and totally happy. Cece winks at her, enjoying the slight flush that springs to her cheeks and the top of her breasts.

Man, does she look good in that tank top.

“Don’t worry, we got you,” Winston grins at Amy.

 

+++

 

_8:57 P.M._

Cece wobbles on the windowsill with Amy in her arms. Amy grips both of their drinks and brings a can of beer up to Cece’s mouth. Cece tries to move her lips so that they go around the sparkly, silly loop straw sticking out of the drink. She can’t stop wobbling because for some reason, Amy won’t stop dancing. She had hooked up her phone to the speaker through bluetooth, playing loud and fast pop music. Cece is entranced by the way Amy’s ass grinds back against her pelvis. Something hot sparks and runs through her veins.  

A few feet away from them, Jess stands on the kitchen table with Winston. They sway to the music mostly offbeat, and Jess only has one flat on. They clink their shot glasses together and slurp down their drinks.

Nick, laid prostrate on the island, yells, “We cannot do everything at once…!”

“But we can do something at once!” Amy shouts, before downing the rest of her beer.

 

+++

 

_9:31 P.M._

“What is going on here?” Schmidt demands as he bangs the front door open.

Cece glances up from where she’s crouched on the countertop, a bottle of Don Juan almost sliding out of her grip. Nick points at her accusingly, before turning to glare at the puddle of PBR on the floor from earlier. Cece tries to gurgle an apology out about that, but she can't quiet manage the words. Besides, that a hundred percent hadn't been her fault.

She just lost a bit of control, after Amy had kissed her passionately after Cece had recited the Gettysburg Address. It had been completely surprising, hot, wet, and dirty. It was so good that it had made Cece drop her drink and forget that they were precariously perched on a wooden crate together in the middle of her best friend’s living room. They had only stopped when Jess started giggling loudly.

“Lesbihonest, that’s hot,” Jess had shouted.

Now, Jess has one arm around Amy, her other hand waving her can of beer around in the air. A few foamy droplets fall on top of their heads, but neither of them seem to care about that. Instead Amy just waggles her finger at Schmidt enticingly. Something coils tightly in Cece’s stomach and she thinks that's not something she should be so into, but she definitely is.

“Come on, Schmidty boy, join us,” Amy practically purrs.

Schmidt looks completely taken aback as Jess shouts in the affirmative. Winston rolls around on the couch, trying to reach one of the beer cans on the floor near him. He manages to get a grip on it and lobs it at Schmidt. It misses by a good two feet, and Schmidt’s mouth just curls down.

“Come on, we’re playing True American,” Cece slurs.

“Well, obviously,” Schmidt snaps.

With a flourish, he leaps onto the couch next to Winston. Cece giggles as he pulls a flash out of his jacket pocket and chugs it. Everyone else cheers as he tips his head all the way back, downing everything inside of it. He stops, wiping the back of his hand across his mouth, and grins brightly.

He starts, “All trash belongs…”

“In the junkyard!” everyone, including Amy, shouts back.

 

+++

 

_10:02 P.M._

Cece’s not sure that Amy realizes how loud she’s speaking, practically cuddled up to Winston on the couch.

“It’s just - I was so sad, all the time, when I first moved here,” she says.

“It can be hard,” Winston says sympathetically. “Sometimes the West Coast is not the best coast.”

“Exactly,” Amy slurs. “And this has been so good for my career but all my family and my friends are in New York. And before I met Cece and everyone else I was so lonely.”

“I’m sorry I tried to keep you apart, then,” Winston cries.

“Hey!” Nick slurs. “Hey! Are you two gonna get your asses back in the game or are you gonna be all - all with feelings, and shit?”

“Feelings and shit, man!” Winston sniffles.

“No, the game!” Amy says, nodding resolutely.

She shakily gets to her feet, stumbling slightly and needing to bend down to grip the back of the couch cushions. Cece tilts her head slightly from her space on the island, giggling and staring at Amy’s ass. It’s a really nice ass, she decides.

"Possibly the best ass I've ever seen," Cece accidentally says out loud. 

“As your ex that hurts my feels,” Schmidt says loudly in her ear. “But as an admirer of the derrière, I quite agree.”

“Ugh, jar,” Jess groans from Cece’s other side.

“Cece said it first,” Schmidt pouts.

“Well that’s my girlfriend, so I’m allowed to say it,” Cece elbows him in the ribs.

 

+++

 

_11:18 P.M. _

“No, no I wanna see,” Nick yells.

Cece slumps over, hiding underneath the table and mostly wasted to holy hell. She thinks Jess is next to her, groaning into the lap of her skirt, her face tucked into her knees. Cece hopes she’s not wearing very embarrassing underwear cause she’s giving God and the whole room a good peek at her bloomers.

“I don’t wear bloomers,” Jess shoots back. "Anymore."

“I gotta stop talking my thoughts out loud when I’m drunk,” Cece says.

Jess confirms by patting her gently on the eyebrow. “Yup.”

Nick is still yelling, his voice somewhere above them. It takes Cece a moment to realize that he’s sitting on top of the table when she sees his shoelaces dangling in her face. She tries to bat at them, but gets distracted by Amy’s high laugh. When she peeks out from under the table, she spots her girlfriend standing on top of the kitchen island. She’s wobbling to the music, somehow till on beat, with a beer in her hand. Schmidt and Winston are on the coffee table, shouting encouragements at her. Cece’s not a hundred percent - or even ten percent - sure what’s happening, but a low feeling in her stomach tells her it’s not good.

“What’s gonna on?” she asks.

Jess says, “Amy knew the rest of that weird quote by that actor.”

“Huh?”

“You know, the one that Schmidt said that one time that made him sound like he was into boning horses,” Jess slurs.

“Oh, right,” Cece nods. “What is it again?”

Nick’s face appears upside down, half of his body hanging off of the table. “He said that the outside of a horse is the best thing for the inside of a soul, man.”

“That’s not it,” Schmidt screeches. “Nicholas!”

“Everyone, Amy’s gonna do it,” Winston says, voice full of awe. “She’s gonna fly.”

“Huh?”

Amy stumbled slightly and then squats slightly. Her eyes look hyper-focused and Cece follows her gaze to the wood crate a few feet away on the floor. Amy rolls her neck and tosses her beer can into the sink.

“For Secretariat!” she shouts.

“For Secretariat!” Schmidt yells hoarsely.

Cece watches almost in slow motion. Everything is just a little bit fuzzy, but then she realizes exactly what’s happening. She’s pretty sure that Amy’s about to jump off of the island and onto a decidedly unsteady box, probably breaking an ankle or straining a muscle in the process. Cece swears and jolts. In her mind, she imagines herself sliding out from under the table flawlessly, running like a hero in a romantic epic, and catching Amy in her arms after she leaps.

Instead, she rises up on her haunches too quickly and smashes the top of her head against the table.

She thinks she blacks out for a just a moment, because the next thing she knows, she’s laying on the couch. Amy crouches down next to her, a concerned look splashed across her flushed face. She gently applies a bag of frostbitten peas to Cece’s head.

Cece wants to melt just a bit at the soft look on her face, but her head is positively pounding.

 

+++

 

_11:28 P.M._

“Captain Santiago!” Winston squeaks like a kindergartener ratting out the kid who knocked over his block castle.

“No renaming anyone’s cat,” Amy says with authority. “And no snitching on your friends.”

“Yeah, Winston,” Jess says threateningly. “Snitches get stitches.”

Cece chuckles just a little bit as Winston starts sputtering and Nick and Schmidt agree that snitches do in fact get stitches. When she peeks back up at Amy, she’s already grinning at Cece.

“We have to play this when my friends come to visit for Thanksgiving,” Amy says.

And even though Cece is sure that she’s half-concussed, she can’t help the slow smile that spreads across her face. Butterflies start in her stomach as she takes in the implications of Amy’s words, that they’ll still be together eight months from now and celebrating major holidays together.

Maybe she won’t murder Winston, after all.

 

+++

**Author's Note:**

> 1) Calvin Coolidge said, "We cannot do everything at once but we can do something at once."
> 
> 2) Ronald Regan said the creepy horse quote, aka "I've often said there's nothing better for the inside of a man than the outside of a horse."


End file.
